Curse of Curves

I feel betrayed. So betrayed. By my body, my genes, my womanhood, my dreams of motherhood. So, so betrayed. How come what makes me woman can possibly kill me? How come I have to live in fear just because I was born woman? Why was I cursed the moment the nurse shouted ’It’s a girl!’? Is this the fate of all women? To be afraid of unwanted pregnancy, being abused, judged for their sexuality, ostracized for having desires, and losing themselves together with their virginity?

I feel betrayed. By my body for when I just offered a peace treaty it turned against me. For when I just accepted it and started to love it the way it was created together with its marvelous capabilites and vitality it turned out to be a reject and condemned. For it attacked me from what caused me the most and only pleasure in my love life. For it attacked me from my only body part I had no problems with. For I might lose the only thing that assured me that my body was not rubbish. That it can make me happy. I feel betrayed for the reason why I marvelled at my body turned out to be my capital sentence.

I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by my genes for I’m the one who’s always blamed for what’s actually their fault. For they make my life miserable. For the minute one of my inborn defects lets me rest another pops up to convert my days into a new kind of nightmare. For I’m constantly being made to think I can change them just to realize after a long uphill battle that I can’t. For people keep trying to bump their guilt on me by manipulating me. For just when I dare to think I finally might have some taste of what is called healthy life they laugh into my face and send me back to hell. For I cannot escape them ever until death.

I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by my womanhood for it stabbed me in the back in the middle of me trying to make up with it and bury the hatchet. For only when I finally started to look at it as something I can live with and up to did it show its real face. For when I naively thought it might be a blessing it transformed into a curse. I feel betrayed for from now on everytime I’m reminded of being a woman, I’m reminded of being sentenced to suffering. For if I weren’t a woman all of this could not be happening now. For I cannot feel desirable like this, ever again.

I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by my dreams of motherhood. For the minute they sprang up in my head they turned into demons. For when I realized the real wonder of life and my sex I ended up a defect from this aspect as well. For what could make me a mother is the same thing that could be my hangman. For what can give life can also take it away. For with what I longed for nurturing my future child might become my deadly poison.

I feel betrayed. For having born a woman I may have been born a convict. For having come to life I might be ordered to go to hell.

God don’t leave me alone please.

PS: Don’t take this too seriously. I might be crying wolf. Most possibly I’m just a sanctimonious hypocrite who loves martyrizing and victimizing herself by bringing any kind of tiny problems to a higher level for the sake of writing. Or I’m just scared to death. I haven’t figured it out yet.