{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"Memories","provider_url":"https:\/\/memories.cafeblog.hu","author_name":"AudreyCondemned","author_url":"https:\/\/memories.cafeblog.hu\/author\/AudreyCondemned-2\/","title":"Be-mused","html":"<div style=\"text-align: justify; font-style: italic;\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 51, 0);\"><span style=\"color: rgb(51, 51, 0);\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 0);\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><link rel=\"File-List\" href=\"file:\/\/\/C:%5CUsers%5CAUDREY%7E1%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml\"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>  <w:WordDocument>   <w:View>Normal<\/w:View>   <w:Zoom>0<\/w:Zoom>   <w:HyphenationZone>21<\/w:HyphenationZone>   <w:PunctuationKerning\/>   <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas\/>   <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false<\/w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>   <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false<\/w:IgnoreMixedContent>   <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false<\/w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>   <w:Compatibility>    <w:BreakWrappedTables\/>    <w:SnapToGridInCell\/>    <w:WrapTextWithPunct\/>    <w:UseAsianBreakRules\/>    <w:DontGrowAutofit\/>   <\/w:Compatibility>   <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4<\/w:BrowserLevel>  <\/w:WordDocument> <\/xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>  <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState=\"false\" LatentStyleCount=\"156\">  <\/w:LatentStyles> <\/xml><![endif]--><style><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\"> <!--  \/* Style Definitions *\/  p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal \t{mso-style-parent:\"\"; \tmargin:0cm; \tmargin-bottom:.0001pt; \tmso-pagination:widow-orphan; \tfont-size:12.0pt; \tfont-family:\"Times New Roman\"; \tmso-fareast-font-family:\"Times New Roman\";} span.entry-content \t{mso-style-name:entry-content;} @page Section1 \t{size:595.3pt 841.9pt; \tmargin:70.85pt 70.85pt 70.85pt 70.85pt; \tmso-header-margin:35.4pt; \tmso-footer-margin:35.4pt; \tmso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 \t{page:Section1;} --> <\/span><\/style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>  \/* Style Definitions *\/  table.MsoNormalTable \t{mso-style-name:\"Norm\u00e1l t\u00e1bl\u00e1zat\"; \tmso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; \tmso-tstyle-colband-size:0; \tmso-style-noshow:yes; \tmso-style-parent:\"\"; \tmso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; \tmso-para-margin:0cm; \tmso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; \tmso-pagination:widow-orphan; \tfont-size:10.0pt; \tfont-family:\"Times New Roman\"; \tmso-ansi-language:#0400; \tmso-fareast-language:#0400; \tmso-bidi-language:#0400;} <\/style> <![endif]--><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">  <\/span><\/div><p style=\"font-style: italic;\"><\/p><p style=\"text-align: justify;\" class=\"MsoNormal\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <\/span><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">Congratulations. Once you said you would be the one who would inspire me. I told you that in order to do so you would have to break me a big time. And there I am. Scattered, shattered, smashed, dashed to pieces, crushed, crippled, numb, paralized, mute, unable to breathe or eat or sleep or live. So here I go, writing again, before the words building up inside me pull me under the illusionment of reality. I hope you\u2019re satisfied now. Because the reason why I ended up half-dead again is YOU. For once in my whole freakin\u2019 lifetime it wasn\u2019t me who started chasing dreams, who created a make-believe of happiness, who built castles in the air, who had trust in childish, naive, desperate hopes instead of seeing the world in its true black, muddy, intoxicating form. For once in my life I could taste a lick of what they call happiness, and it was real, and I could touch it and feel it and hold it onto my breast lest it should want to escape. I didn\u2019t overthink things, I let myself be guided by my instincts and my heart, which was blinded by my love for you. But now I can see what you\u2019ve actually done. <\/span><span class=\"entry-content\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">You took the pieces of my broken heart, pretending to heal it and then smashed the puzzle chunks into snowflake-sized shivers. Congrats. Nice job! You used to say you love me. You also said hurting me hurt you. But I can\u2019t see your repentence, you don\u2019t seem to feel guilt at all. Love has left your eye. Your feelings for me that kept me alive and reminded me to breathe have disappeared into nothing. The warmth that I felt when you cherished&nbsp; me in your arms has grown cold, the light in your eyes that made me believe I\u2019m not so far for being beautiful than I thought has gone out, the fire in your kisses that used to make my spine shiver and my bones melt has burnt out. And I refuse to love you if it\u2019s one-sided. You are too important. You meant more than my pathetic platonic loves, more than what I ever felt before. I loved you more than my first love. Can you imagine that? Of course you can\u2019t. Because I\u2019m not telling you anything. I can\u2019t speak to you, hard as I try. Sometimes I feel like you don\u2019t even know me. Once you said there\u2019s no point in loving someone you know. I\u2019m trapped behind the picture of me that I show to you and I\u2019m afraid to step out from behind it. But I can see you getting bored with this reflection of me, when you\u2019re not even aware of the fact that it\u2019s only a shadow of my true self. You\u2019ll get tired of trying to squeeze the words out of my throat, I know. You\u2019ll get bored of who you believe I am. You\u2019ll find someone better. More beautiful, more attractive, thinner, more entertaining, someone you can have an actual conversation with. Of course I\u2019m jealous. Because I\u2019m fucking scared to lose you, to be let down, to be left alone again with my nightmares telling me I\u2019m useless. And I don\u2019t want to remember you as just another boy who I dressed up to be perfect. I know you aren\u2019t. And I loved you in your imperfect state, for your childish behaviour, for your mature thoughts, your honest personality, your seeing me lovable, your confusing words, your unfathomable looks, your impudence, your domination. I loved you for keeping me under your control, for making me feel as I\u2019m precious enough to be tamed, to be guided. I even loved you when you caused me physical pain. But torturing my soul is more than I can take. Who is the torturer? My fears, my worries, you becoming careless and ignorant, me growing paranoid, demented, and desperate. The chains growing out of the hands of my past depressive self, who can\u2019t afford to let me be happy, euphoric, ecstatic, delirious. They creep up around me, trying to strangle me. I can\u2019t breathe, I can\u2019t speak, every movement hurts, my smiles are fake, my voice lies, my eyes show no life. I only pretend to exist. I\u2019m tired of it. I wish I could leave my pathetic body, which keeps me on this disillusioning earth, I wish I could set myself free of my physical needs, I wish I could fly empty and weightless. I wish love was enough.<\/span><o:p><\/o:p><\/span><\/p><p><\/p><div style=\"text-align: justify; font-style: italic;\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">  <\/span><\/div><p style=\"font-style: italic;\"><\/p><p style=\"text-align: justify;\" class=\"MsoNormal\"><span class=\"entry-content\"><o:p><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">&nbsp;<\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/p><p><\/p><div style=\"text-align: justify; font-style: italic;\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\">  <\/span><\/div><p style=\"font-style: italic;\"><\/p><p style=\"text-align: right;\" class=\"MsoNormal\"><span style=\"color: rgb(0, 0, 51);\" class=\"entry-content\">\/2010.07.17. 12:09\/<\/span><\/p>  <p><\/p>","type":"rich"}